A new trend is taking place in divorce, one that as been taking shape for some time but was pushed into the forefront with our new “socially distant” culture.

And that is to mediate your divorce around a screen and not around a table in a mediator’s or lawyer’s office.

Mediation has always been thought to be a kind of organic discussion  The typical vision is of a couple talking about what is important to them, and being guided by a compassionate and understated mediator sitting just between them a couple of feet away.  There are cookies and soft lighting, give-and-take and compromise, and good decisions borne out of an environment of caring and understanding.  It is a very comfy setting and has changed divorce for the better.

So given we can’t get withing 6 feet of each outside of our homes how do you conduct a mediation when you can’t sit around the table to talk things through? The answer is virtual (or online) mediation.where you work with your mediator remotely through video-conferencing.

Advantages of Online Mediation

I am one of the believers that online mediation can be just as effective as driving to a mediator’s office. I have done much of my work as a mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) with people all around the country and it is a great way for both advisers and clients to do their work together.

Let’s talk about the advantages of going digital with your divorce.  

• Access to the best people – you can work with any mediator in the country, not just the people in your local area.  If you need a parenting specialist in another town as part of the conversation, or a financial expert, they can be part of the team and invited to participate.

• Convenience – no driving through traffic and parking hassles to get to the mediator’s office on time.  It doesn’t matter if you are away on business, stuck iat work, or are in another country. You just turn on your computer and click the email link to start your mediation.

• Privacy – no showing up publicly at the attorney or mediator’s office and sitting in waiting rooms with your spouse.

• Cost – there is no automatic discount associated with going online but you can expect there to be some downward pressure on per hour costs.  Fancy offices cost money…much more than a good webcam and lighting. And they save on cookies and coffee and you save on gas.

Online Mediation vs Do-it Yourself Divorce

Do it yourself online divorce sites such as LegalZoom where you plug your data in and get a basic divorce settlement spit out is what many people associate with “online”.  These can work fine for simple divorces with little property and no children.  I am not a fan frankly as there are too many ways to make mistakes.  

How Does Virtual Divorce Mediation Work?

When you use virtual divorce mediation with us we take you through the following steps. They are no different than those we use for face-to-face meetings with a couple of adjustments to acccomodate the technology.

Preparation Phase

1. Introductory “get to know you” calls and pre-mediation conversations are made to each spouse over the phone, Facetime or Zoom.

2. Mediation agreements are emailed and signed digitally.

3. A package of preparation materials is sent out to each party. We give our clients a “divorce planner” which takes them through every decision they will need to make. It has all the checklists and info they need.

4. Technology guides and instructions on how the mediation sessions will be conducted are emailed.

5. Financial and other data is gathered through an easy to use of an online portal.  Clients fill in their financial information and hit “send” when they are finished and it goes right into our analytical software.

6. Financial exhibits are prepared and emailed for review before the first meeting.

7. The first mediation is scheduled with an agenda sent out to each party ahead of time.

8. The mediator tells you how to connect in to the meeting. We like Zoom…it is free, easy to use, and high-quality video. We send a link out via email that you click on and you are instantly in the meeting.

Negotiation Phase

Mediation sessions use the same assisted communication process that fosters collaboration and results in good decisions that meets the needs of each party.

• Each party uses their own device if possible so the mediator can see them clearly. This also allows the mediator to have a private conversation (a “caucus”) with one party if there are roadblocks to communication to be worked through.

• The mediator can show through their screen-share feature documents such as agendas, financial projections, and settlement drafts.

• Draft property settlements and parenting plans are drawn up in the usual way after each meeting, with follow-up “to-do” sent out to each person.

• If experts such as financial analysts, CPA’s, or parenting specialists need to be involved they can be easily invited to a mediation session, regardless of where they are located.

online mediation success tips

Technology

While it would be ideal for everyone to have their own large screen device like a laptop, smartphones will also work.  They also have the advantage of being completely mobile so if you need to have a private conversation with the mediator you can simply leave the room. 

Shine a Light

Put a light on nearby so your face isn’t lit up just by the screen of the computer.  And try not to have a window directly behind you as the glare from the sunlight can make it hard to see you.

Give Yourselves Some Space

Unless you are okay sitting 6 inches from your spouse and bumping elbows, give each other some space.  Also, sit back a little from the camera so the mediator can see more than just your face.  You should feel comfortable both physically and mentally.

Limit Distractions

Children walking in, dogs barking, and the simmering spaghetti sauce on the stove should be dealt with ahead of time.   The mediator will usually schedule a break as needed to keep the conversation fresh, but unscheduled interruptions can break the flow of discussions.

Virtual mediation has many benefits and is easy to implement but following these rules should help it go smoothly.

Conclusion

I hope this has been a helpful introduction to virtual “online” mediation

There is nothing to fear about the virtual world.  Once our social distancing rules are over many couples will find mediating online to be more convenient, potentially lower cost, and just as effective as mediating the old-fashioned way.   You will just have to live without the cookies and waiting rooms.

Please call us at 401 533-4142 or write us at wentworthplanning@gmail.com if you would like to explore this topic further, or have a question on divorce or mediation.  We are here to help.